I was listening to U2 recently, and their song "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" began to play. The song is a bit forlorn, and you can here in Bono's voice a longing for something--a place, a haven, a connection, maybe even a person. As the song traverses several options that the Singer has tasted, the chorus keeps coming back to the title: "I still haven't found what I'm longing for." What haunts me about the song is the lack of resolution, to be honest. As a Christian educator and minister, I like to think that I've found whatever the singer is seeking. But have I really? Here are the lyrics to the song:
"I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"
I have climbed the highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
I have run, I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for
I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire
I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for
I believe in the Kingdom Come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
But yes, I'm still running
You broke the bonds and you loosed the chains
Carried the cross of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believe it
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for
I remember reading somewhere that this song was inspired by King David and the Psalms (and perhaps a poet Bono was reading). The subject for which the artist is searching is left unsaid, or perhaps better, unfound. We have no description of what would satisfy this longing to find what is being sought . . . but we hear the single minded laser focus and incredible longing of the one seeking.
Perhaps the Christian imagery and the "You" of the last verse gives us an idea, but if so the singer refuses to tell us. He is still searching.
I'll be honest, I have found in Jesus a respite, a place, even room to belong and to be myself. And yet, there are still times of longing, of searching, of dreaming, of reaching . . . what exactly is it I want? What do I need?
Maybe I can borrow from another singer and song? Tonio K sings that "You Will Go Free" (you can hear the song here: You Will Go Free). Towards the end of the song, our artist sings the following Bridge and Verse 3:
You can't see your jailer
You can't see the bars
You can't turn your head around fast enough
But it's everywhere you are
It's all around you
Everywhere you walk these prison walls surround you
But in the midst of all this darkness
In the middle of this night
I see the truth cut through this curtain like a laser
Like a pure and holy light
And I know I can't touch you now
Yeah, and I don't want to speak too soon
But when we get sprung from out these cages baby
God knows what we might do
The song addresses the angst of a person who has come to realize that his or her situation is caged in by a variety of less than good situations: bad choices, the devil himself, sin, etc. But the hopefulness of the final verse always gets me. "Truth" will "cut through this curtain like a laser." We humans will one day realize freedom, the kind that only God's Truth can ultimately bring us. The kind of haven or freedom so desired by Bono above.
But there is a catch (isn't there always?). We don't get to the "truth" without living life and having experiences that take our breath away (in both good and bad ways). Even if we know Jesus, and even if we understand that he is "what I'm looking for," we realize that in this particular time and this particular age and this particular life there is still something lacking, something missing, something we are looking for or longing for but which we still haven't found.
You understand, right? You've found something wonderful, something that overwhelms you in a good way . . . and yet there is still darkness . . . there is still a longing for freedom . . . a longing to breathe . . . a longing to be free, to be TRULY and IRREVOCABLY free to be who we were created to be.
We want to be REAL, to be AUTHENTIC. Like the Velveteen Rabbit, we may have experienced rejection and hard times, and we may have embraced kindness and acceptance . . . and yet, and yet, . . . we also know we aren't quite REAL.
I think that this is a common human reality, and I've come to realize that living in this world I will continue to find darkness and light, hatred and love, rejection and acceptance, death and life, . . . and maybe I'll face one of them more than the others.
Maybe you understand, you're in the darkest hole you've ever experienced, . . . and yet there seems to be a pin point of light exposing the darkness. Or maybe your situation is all good . . . and yet nibbling around the edges of your subconscious is the idea that it is not quite THE GOOD that you really want (or worse, really NEED).
I've lived those realities. I've known love that brought tears to my eyes, that made me think life couldn't be better. I've also known loss that made me think I'd lose my soul . . . the darkness was so deep I couldn't see how life could ever happen again. I still hadn't found what I was looking for . . .
I wish I had answers, but I only have a story. I am convinced that one day the laser light of Truth will indeed shine and humanity will experience a change. At that time we will see Jesus as he is, and what we see will either terrify or bless us . . .
Someday we will be REAL. Unfortunately that REALNESS will be a blessing to some and a curse to others. Here's why I say that: the Light of God's Truth is Jesus. When he returns, those of us who know him and are in him will become in some sense as he is. Those who are not, well, let's just leave that sad story alone for the moment. I don't know if I can comprehend the darkness of that existence.
You see, the goal is to be WITH GOD. Tonio K sings in "You Belong With Me":
Now you live in your world and I live in mine
But the collision of worlds is just a matter of time
'Cause you belong with me
The song is one of longing and love, but I've come to understand it as God singing to humanity. We belong to him, and one day our worlds will collide. One day we will see him. At that point, things will make a lot more sense.
I don't have easy answers. I know that I will experience light and dark before I see him as he is. I also know that I will only be REAL when he makes it so.
We are searching for a haven, a place to belong, someone to LOVE us and find worth in us. We can experience snippets of it in this life, but we will still long for what we know we want: to be REAL.
Even so, Lord Jesus, come.
Thanks for reading!
