The meditation below was written originally almost 20 years ago. The sentiment and the experience are still the same, but the circumstances have changed a bit.
You see, I am now in my 60s and realizing my own mortality. I am firmly on the downward side of my quest to live for 100 years. The very thought that I have lived more than 6 decades has given me pause. For some of my readers 60 seems pretty old, perhaps for others it seems a bit young. All I know is that it has caused me to pause and to reflect on my life.
I am a words of affirmation kind of person, and as such I love to give encouragement to others (and to receive it too!). On the other hand, there are those times where I feel incredibly unnoticed and irrelevant and even melancholy in some ways. Today has (kind of) been one of those days. I feel like my day has started with me already running behind in lots of things. I had a hard time finding a parking space, and then I didn't have as much time to prepare for classes as usual. Things just seemed rushed or incomplete in some way. So, as I contemplated my situation, the post below kind of summed up my mood. I thought I'd post it for that reason (and maybe it will encourage some of you).
As you stand before God undone today, as you unravel in his presence, cling tightly to the promise that he has given--"I will never leave you nor forsake you." Stand or sit before Jesus and just let your life pause before him for a moment. Join me and come undone. Let's unravel in his presence. I hope you enjoy this little meditation from 2008:
Today as I drove to work, I couldn't help a bit of melancholy.
The weather was wet, traffic was light, the music was breezy, the mountains were august, the sun brilliant, . . . and I was melancholy.
As I drove I began to think of Abraham, Moses, and Isaiah for some reason. Each of these individuals had an amazing encounter with God. Abraham (while still "Abram") encountered the God of covenants. During a dream at night terrors seized Abram as he saw the torch of God move between the divided carcasses of the animal sacrifices. Abram was undone.
Moses encountered God first as an enigma. Moses saw a bush that was on fire and yet not burning. He went closer, he heard God, he took off his shoes. He was undone, his life would never be the same.
Isaiah lost a friend and a hero. When King Uzziah died, Isaiah wept and went into deep mourning. During his depression, Isaiah had a vision. Angels flew about, the holiness and awesomeness of God shook the foundation and pillars of the Temple.
God spoke, Isaiah trembled.
When Isaiah dared to speak in this holy company, the words out of his mouth were "Woe is me, I am undone!"
As I understand it, the Hebrew here has the meaning of being unzipped from the belly to the neck so that your insides spill out.
Okay, maybe I'm stretching it a bit, but it was not a happy thought for Isaiah. He felt unraveled in the presence of God.
That kind of describes my melancholy today . . . I feel unraveled. Like a ball of yarn that has lost its consistency, I am loose and dangly.
Like a sweater pulled apart thread-by-thread, I am undone.
I look at the majesty around me, the beauty and holiness and awe-fulness of it all, and I find myself undone.
It is not a bad feeling necessarily, but it can be a bit unnerving.
I feel unraveled.
Like a joke with no punch line, or a sitcom with no laugh track, or a book with no thesis or direction, or a story with no meaning . . .
I feel undone.
How do I explain what is happening in my heart when words seem hard to find?
Life is good, things seem to be fine, but I feel . . . well, what?
I think that this is a normal human emotion, and it is one I've encountered before. I'm not depressed; in fact, I'm not really sad at all! I'm actually smiling as I type these words!
I sit here in the midst of an amazing band of people, activities, and stuff, and I feel a bit unraveled.
Maybe I'm just relaxing . . . loosening things a bit in preparation for the next battle or the next activity or the next thing.
Maybe it is a "Selah," a sort of pause of spirit that causes me to reflect a bit.
It is a good thing, I think, to be unraveled before God and his wonderful creation.
So, like Paul, I will relish in my unraveling, in my undoing, in my weakness . . . for when I am weak, God is strong. When I am undone, God still does. When I am unraveled, Jesus holds all things together.
I smile, I sigh. I listen to U2 and Larry Norman and Bob Dylan.
I will go find some Jonny Lang or Switchfoot. I will relish in the tones, in the thoughts, in the music. I will unravel before God and just be. I will let myself be undone so that he can renew me.
What a wonderful life!
Thanks for reading!
